Last week I went through my Book Box, a big decorative box I used to store book drafts and ideas when I was writing Agent Innocent. Talk about a trip down memory lane. Wow. Those early book drafts were rough, not to mention very angry and depressing.
I was happy to send most of the contents of the box to the shredder.
I had forgotten, however, about some of the random contents I’d tucked away in there.
Sprinkled throughout the Book Box were post-it notes with quotes in my loopy cursive, torn pieces of paper with scribbled quotes from movies or television shows, and torn pages from magazines with quotes on them.
As I read these, I smiled, picturing myself in my little one-bedroom West LA apartment scribbling quotes and notes in the wee hours of the morning. The night owl in me was alive and well those days.
In my final Bad Blog of 2020, I’m going to go back to those late-night notes and share a few of them here. I remember the circumstances and reasons for some of them. Others I don’t. Either way, it was good for me to revisit them, and I hope some of them are encouraging to you as well.
Here they are!
“Nobody truly interesting is universally liked.”
Source: The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce (television show)
I admit it. I binge-watched this show after the divorce and after I moved into my apartment. If you haven’t noticed, I tend to grasp onto one-liners I either read somewhere or hear on television. I don’t remember what episode this quote was from, but I definitely remember when I wrote it down.
Today, it serves as a reminder to keep moving forward (and to probably stop reading Amazon and Goodreads reviews of my book) and care about liking who I am and who I am becoming more than caring about what some random person on the Internet thinks of me.
“No matter how far you run, you keep running into yourself.”
Source: I don’t remember
I have no idea where I got this or if I made it up myself. Who knows? But I know this: I was running away from a lot of problems back them. Maybe it’s more accurate to say I was hiding out to avoid dealing with my demons. No matter how hard I tried, I needed to face myself to grow.
Today, it reminds me to get out of my own way and roll with the punches. Stop running, but keep moving. That sort of thing.
“Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and transparent, healing is on the other side of letting it all out.”
Source: It looks like a page from a magazine with the handwritten date “09/26/2016” written on the bottom of the page.
The date on the sheet is the day after my birthday. Perhaps I was at my sister’s in San Diego that day. I don’t remember. But that’s probably likely. I wasn’t writing much at the time, so I probably used this sheet as a pep talk for myself. I don’t know why I dated it though. I was “in my feels” apparently.
Today, I have done a lot of healing, and I’m grateful for that. And even though I’ve personally healed a lot, that doesn’t mean vulnerability and transparency about those experiences needs to go away. Authenticity is more meaningful than secrets.
“Suppressing inner problems and minimizing your life problems is its own form of negligence.”
Source: Me
I remember recognizing my own negligence during this time. Reality was setting in, and by neglecting to address my problems, I was neglecting myself. Maybe this was written during a late night epiphany or something. I don’t remember.
Today, this line reminds me that self-care isn’t just the manicure and a good night’s sleep. Self-care is often ugly. It involves doing the dirty inner work head-on with the resiliency that willpower provides. It’s not just workouts and a healthy diet. It’s doing a reality check on personal finances and budgeting. It’s making a bowl of rice and veggies instead of getting takeout again. It’s standing up for myself even when it pisses people off. It’s making tough decisions and knowing my worth (and making big moves when others do not). It’s respecting my time enough to revoke access to those who do not. It’s knowing when to answer a call or unapologetically send it to voicemail. It’s realizing how much someone else could benefit from a $40 Venmo when I am selfishly eyeballing another candle I don’t necessarily need. It’s going to the doctor when something isn’t right and sucking it up when a bill comes because it’s not all covered by insurance. Self-care is sometimes expensive diagnostic tests.
The list goes on. But I think the line “Self-care is sometimes ugly and dirty” might need to be on a 2021 sticky note in the Book Box. It’s definitely something I’ve been thinking about a lot.
“As much as you want to write when you’re happy, you need to write that much when you’re miserable. The passion has to go somewhere.”
Source: The movie “5-7”
Oh, I do remember this one. I watched this movie and remember scribbling this line down. As you can probably guess, I was utterly miserable and lonely in 2016. I don’t need to belabor that anymore.
Today, it reminds me to direct my passions in productive areas. Yes, I need to write no matter how I’m feeling. As my writing mentor has said so many times to me. “You have to get the first messy draft down so you have something to work with.” And it goes beyond that. One of my Book Box drafts had a page or two about grief. I wrote that feelings of grief are a reminder that I have a lot of love to give. Back then, grief meant I was unable to bestow that love where I wanted it to go. I wrote about trying to redirect that loves toward those more deserving, like family and friends who stood by me while I was hurting the most. Sometimes passion needs to be redirected, and that’s all part of the process. I need to keep working toward the dreams and things I’m passionate about, but know when to put equal passion into the temporary tasks that are needed to get me there.
Happy New Year! Make good choices! Hehe
Embracing the typos till next Monday,
Mel