Last week was a long week. Physically it wasn’t any more taxing than any other week. But I felt worn down. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t turn my mind off.
I had to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself last week, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had to have this particular meeting with myself.
I had to remind myself that I’m not the Energizer Bunny.
I’m a perfectionist and I have an unhealthy fear of letting people down. Subconsciously, I’m regularly asking myself, “Am I doing enough? Can I do more? Can I take on more and be better?”
Why is it that I sometimes find a sick satisfaction in exhaustion? If I’m not dead tired then I’ve somehow let somebody down. I just haven’t done enough and am weak because of it. In the past I know I took pride in being over-busy (I even had a blog called Beyond Busy Blonde for a while.) as if it were possible to really truly thrive in miserable fatigue.
I thought being miserably tired made me a better person, but being miserably tired is really a very toxic view of selflessness. I don’t want to contribute to the laziness in this evil world, so I took it to another level on the opposite spectrum with an overactive work ethic that left me too drained to be of much use (or fun) outside of work.
Last week, a lot of great opportunities came up. In that regard, it was an amazing week. I’ve been frustrated with my progress occupationally, especially with writing (or lack thereof) and where to go next with it. There’s a very practical and responsible voice in my head that tends to gravitate to the consistent and reliable. Writing is something I do for myself. If I fail, I fail myself. In my day job(s), failing means I fail others who are relying on me to give 100%. I hate the thought of letting people down.
I know there’s an underlying fear of failure with writing and speaking, so I avoid taking necessary chances to succeed at it. Classic, right? There’s nothing new about the fear of failure. But progress can’t happen if I’m crippled in fear.
“Face Your Demons” (artist unknown)
Instead of moving forward with my passions, I’ve considered taking on more in other, more reliable, avenues of income that use my other skill sets. I can’t help but wonder if my tendencies to overcommit and overwhelm myself with tasks is really just dysfunctional self-sabotage. I use busyness as a way to avoid dealing with my fears and use it an as excuse to avoid working on my bigger dreams.
Like everyone, I have demons to face.
How does one know when he or she has taken on too much and can no longer give 100% to everything? Where’s that line?
I have a feeling I started finding that line last week. I had to make some scary decisions because I chose to save time in my schedule to write and get better at speaking and other dreams. I chose not to add to my schedule because I can’t give 100% to every single thing in my life if there are too many things needing 100%.
I know I am tough, and I know I’ve handled a lot and juggled a lot in the past. I also know I haven’t always managed my personal wellbeing well when I’ve taken on too much. I should feel proud that I chose to take risks this week. I should feel proud that I recognized when I was overcommitting and needed to scale back to keep myself from getting into old bad habits.
But I still feel scared.
I think I made the right choices this week. I think I checked myself and got back on track. I think I’m still moving forward.
So much could still go wrong though.
I once read (or maybe someone told me) that when you aren’t sure about a big long-term move, the best move in the moment is the “next best thing.”
Even though it’s scary, this week I acknowledged that I can’t do it all. Maybe that’s my “next best thing” this week.