Last week was a long week. Physically it wasn’t any more taxing than any other week. But I felt worn down. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t turn my mind off.

I had to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with myself last week, and it’s been a long time since I’ve had to have this particular meeting with myself.

I had to remind myself that I’m not the Energizer Bunny.

I’m a perfectionist and I have an unhealthy fear of letting people down. Subconsciously, I’m regularly asking myself, “Am I doing enough? Can I do more? Can I take on more and be better?”

Why is it that I sometimes find a sick satisfaction in exhaustion? If I’m not dead tired then I’ve somehow let somebody down. I just haven’t done enough and am weak because of it. In the past I know I took pride in being over-busy (I even had a blog called Beyond Busy Blonde for a while.) as if it were possible to really truly thrive in miserable fatigue.

I thought being miserably tired made me a better person, but being miserably tired is really a very toxic view of selflessness. I don’t want to contribute to the laziness in this evil world, so I took it to another level on the opposite spectrum with an overactive work ethic that left me too drained to be of much use (or fun) outside of work.

Last week, a lot of great opportunities came up. In that regard, it was an amazing week. I’ve been frustrated with my progress occupationally, especially with writing (or lack thereof) and where to go next with it. There’s a very practical and responsible voice in my head that tends to gravitate to the consistent and reliable. Writing is something I do for myself. If I fail, I fail myself. In my day job(s), failing means I fail others who are relying on me to give 100%. I hate the thought of letting people down.

I know there’s an underlying fear of failure with writing and speaking, so I avoid taking necessary chances to succeed at it. Classic, right? There’s nothing new about the fear of failure. But progress can’t happen if I’m crippled in fear.

Instead of moving forward with my passions, I’ve considered taking on more in other, more reliable, avenues of income that use my other skill sets. I can’t help but wonder if my tendencies to overcommit and overwhelm myself with tasks is really just dysfunctional self-sabotage. I use busyness as a way to avoid dealing with my fears and use it an as excuse to avoid working on my bigger dreams.

Like everyone, I have demons to face.

How does one know when he or she has taken on too much and can no longer give 100% to everything? Where’s that line?

I have a feeling I started finding that line last week. I had to make some scary decisions because I chose to save time in my schedule to write and get better at speaking and other dreams. I chose not to add to my schedule because I can’t give 100% to every single thing in my life if there are too many things needing 100%.

I know I am tough, and I know I’ve handled a lot and juggled a lot in the past. I also know I haven’t always managed my personal wellbeing well when I’ve taken on too much. I should feel proud that I chose to take risks this week. I should feel proud that I recognized when I was overcommitting and needed to scale back to keep myself from getting into old bad habits.

But I still feel scared.

I think I made the right choices this week. I think I checked myself and got back on track. I think I’m still moving forward.

So much could still go wrong though.

I once read (or maybe someone told me) that when you aren’t sure about a big long-term move, the best move in the moment is the “next best thing.”

Even though it’s scary, this week I acknowledged that I can’t do it all. Maybe that’s my “next best thing” this week.

Embracing the typos and continuing to move forward till next Monday,

Mel

March 15, 2021

The MySpace Series: Part One

Last week, I was searching for an email to prepare for a podcast interview. The keyword search produced a handful of emails, one of which had the subject line “myspace blog posts” and myself as the sender/recipient.

Apparently, a few years back (or eleven), I copied all of my old MySpace blogs from college into an email (probably before I deleted everything on MySpace). I don’t remember sending this email, nor do I remember writing any of the posts.

As I read through them, I realized I’ve matured a lot since then, but I also realized I might need to revisit some of the “wisdom” my young adult mind was spouting on MySpace.

I guess I’ve been blogging badly longer than I thought.

March 8, 2021

The Way Up

Well, I’ve had to make some more big changes in my life. For the last month and a half, I’ve been burning the midnight oil, stuck between finishing up the old and getting started with the new. For the first time in a long time, I fell behind on the things that matter to me a lot, and it’s not like me to let that happen. The Type-A in me was (and still is) horrified.

January 11, 2021

The Little Things

Last week was quite a week, wasn’t it? I found myself saying aloud, “What is happening?”

What is happening? A lot, to say the least, and enough to leave anyone in a state of sadness and despair. What a mess. An important, troubling mess that needs sorting and fixing. Anyone on all sides of the table can probably agree with that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s to come, both for me and for the country. I think I, like many, secretly hoped for clarity and change as the New Year rolled around. A clear path to the future.

When I know I need to make a change, I delay the decisions and hope for a “sign” that it’s the correct one before I make it. I’m sure many can relate to that. Big decisions are scary. Change is scary. But risk is necessary sometimes. Like I’ve been saying for a long time, I can’t move forward without getting uncomfortable.

But a sign would be nice, sometimes.

I suppose clarity and answers are often present if we stop and listen long enough to see them. There’s something to be learned everywhere, even if it’s in the little things.

That’s what I want to share today… a few little things.

December 28, 2020

Notes to Self

Last week I went through my Book Box, a big decorative box I used to store book drafts and ideas when I was writing Agent Innocent. Talk about a trip down memory lane. Wow. Those early book drafts were rough, not to mention very angry and depressing.

I was happy to send most of the contents of the box to the shredder.

I had forgotten, however, about some of the random contents I’d tucked away in there.

Sprinkled throughout the Book Box were post-it notes with quotes in my loopy cursive, torn pieces of paper with scribbled quotes from movies or television shows, and torn pages from magazines with quotes on them.

As I read these, I smiled, picturing myself in my little one-bedroom West LA apartment scribbling quotes and notes in the wee hours of the morning. The night owl in me was alive and well those days.

In my final Bad Blog of 2020, I’m going to go back to those late-night notes and share a few of them here. I remember the circumstances and reasons for some of them. Others I don’t. Either way, it was good for me to revisit them, and I hope some of them are encouraging to you as well.

Here they are!

December 14, 2020

12,000 Steps

“Why are we like this?” Ah, we’ve asked this question many times.

I thought about the days of old, the ones before Apple Watches and activity trackers came into my life. I thought of the college days when my pink flip phone took crappy pictures and I had to hit the 7 button four times to type an S when sending a text. I trained for half and full marathons like this and had no idea what my pace was during these long runs. I just made a route ahead of time so I knew I’d gone the distance and didn’t worry so much about pace. It was about the experience, not the inner competition with a watch.

November 23, 2020

Throwing Stones

As a kid, I liked to collect pretty rocks. The shinier the better. The more misshapen the better. Sometimes I’d even find a dull looking rock and crack it in half with a hammer to see if the inside was shiny. I’d be delighted if the insides sparkled.

Today I still have pretty rocks, and, to some, random rocks around my house might look a little peculiar. But, then again, I’ve never claimed to be “normal” so perhaps visitors chalk it up to my eclectic taste in décor.

I came by some of these stones while living in West Los Angeles. Others were picked up after I moved to the Midwest.

The new rocks are healing stones.

(Now relax, family and friends. I have not taken to worshipping inanimate objects and I’m not delving into devil worship.)

November 16, 2020

Character and Characters

I’ve decided to write a novel. Well, perhaps I should rephrase. I’ve had a trilogy “planned” for about three years now. I just haven’t done anything about it. I recently figured out why that might be the case.

I’ve had this grand plan to write an exciting story with the “usual” Secret Service assassination (or assassination attempt), complete with a complex execution plan and a hyper-observant batch of agents saving the day at the very last millisecond. Also, it wouldn’t be complete if the first book didn’t end on an extreme cliffhanger where someone has died and we won’t know who until the second book.

I had a general outline of the story for each book. I just needed to write it.

But I didn’t write it.

Every time I sat down to write the story, I failed.

November 9, 2020

September 12, 2001

This election was the first time I voted at an actual polling location. Since election days were usually travel days for me in the Secret Service, I was always an absentee voter. This time, I participated in early voting at a local shopping mall. I was excited as I stood in line. It felt like my first time voting. I sat in the little booth smiling like a little kid as I filled in my bubbles, smirking at the fact that Kanye West was actually an option on the ballot. I thought it was joke when others mentioned it. Guess not. I grinned from ear to ear as the lady stamped my ballot and handed me the “I Voted” sticker. #American

“I don’t want to talk about the election. I stay away from political topics.”

This is usually my answer when people ask me about politics, and, specifically, this election. I think this country has morphed into a place where those conversations are unlikely to remain civil, especially if they occur on the Internet where anyone and everyone behind a keyboard can become a rude, sniveling pile of hate to one another.

I'm Not the Energizer Bunny!