I spoke at a young women’s leadership seminar last week. It was put on by Iowa Big and Women Lead Change. I was honored to be a keynote speaker to a large group of high school ladies. I had a lot of fun talking with them. There was a Q & A portion after I spoke, and they asked a lot of interesting questions I didn’t expect.
I’ve been doing a lot more speaking lately, and I must admit that it’s sometimes frustrating when the questions are only about the fun and exciting parts of my story. Of course, I like talking about that stuff. It’s easier than the tough parts.
For the first time, being asked tougher questions was easier to talk about than before. I spoke of closure, and the girls asked a lot of questions, many about my marriage and being a woman in the Secret Service. One of the questions went back to advice I would have given myself when I was younger (knowing what I know now).
No one’s ever asked me that before.
I know I talked about protecting myself. That’s a huge part of my story. But at some point, I mentioned the topic of access control again. I talked about shutting people out when I was hurting (denying access to people who loved me). I also said there were a lot of women in the Secret Service who were older and wiser than me. They knew more about the job and sometimes about life. I told the ladies that when someone like that comes into your life, grant them access. Grant access to people who care about you. Grant access to people who see you and reach out.
Stephanie
Last week my friend Stephanie came up in conversation a couple times in one way or another. I thought of her as I spoke. Stephanie died in a tragic accident last year. She was a few years older than me, but we were in training at the same time. I met her at the pool at our extended stay hotel when I first got to training. She gave me and another classmate tips and advice about training. All three of us wound up being assigned to the Los Angeles Field Office.
Over the years, I worked with Steph a lot. We were in the Protective Intelligence and Protection Operations Squads together. We were the only female agents on our Baker to Vegas relay team one year (similar to the Ragnar races but for law enforcement teams). We didn’t have a lot of heart-to-heart conversations, and we didn’t hang out very much outside of work. She moved to Washington D.C. eventually, and I obviously stayed in Los Angeles.
I wish I told Steph how much I appreciated her. When I was hurting the most during my last year with the Secret Service, Steph reached out to me multiple times. The last time I saw her was at a little place in Hermosa Beach, CA. She was in town from D.C. and asked if I wanted to get breakfast. She wanted to see how I was doing. She cared. She listened as I told her what was going on with me, and many people didn’t know the details at that point.
Over the next couple years, Steph continued to reach out. I was not in a good place, and I usually didn’t respond. I wasn’t responding to most people then. I regret that. I didn’t take the time to check in with Steph to see how SHE was doing the way did she for me. I wasn’t a good friend because I was too absorbed with my own pain. I didn’t grant access to Steph, and it was too late when I realized I should have. It was too late when I realized she tried to be there.
I never said thank you.
This past Sunday was International Women’s Day. Social media was overflowing with women’s empowerment posts. I thought a lot about the Secret Service women who empowered and encouraged me over the years. I was younger than all of them for many years. It wasn’t until my last couple years as an agent that female agents came in at my current age.
I’ve said before that I didn’t meet real female friends until I became an agent. I don’t have much contact with “old” friends from college or before. I actually lost friends when I started standing up for myself.
As I stood in front of all those beautiful high school ladies, I was thankful for the women who were kind to me when I knew little of empowerment. I was thankful for the women who cared when I was learning this whole adulting thing in a chaotic environment like the Los Angeles Field Office.
I realized how much I missed those women and how much women truly benefit from those caring examples of empowerment. There are many women who are recognized for their achievements as women, and they spout off empowerment lingo while failing to live it out themselves. But being in a position of power doesn’t automatically mean you’re empowering others. I was lucky enough to have great examples in the workplace at a young age, and I was an overcompetitive, insecure girl when I met them. As I grew up a little (which needed to happen), I started to change. I got lovingly put in my place by women who knew more than me.
I’m forever grateful for that. For example, I remember Steph helping me (well, correcting me) when I was a new agent. I was still figuring out the difference between those pesky office dress codes. Business casual. Neat casual. Business attire. I showed up to the airport once a little too casual for “neat casual” and she took me aside and told me. She didn’t say it judgingly. She was helping me. I was embarrassed, of course. I wanted to do everything right. She could have just talked about me behind my back to coworkers like a lot of non-empowering women would have done. But she didn’t.
Last Thursday, a bunch of high school ladies listened to my story and asked me a lot of questions. I felt unqualified and inadequate when it came to giving them guidance. Some of them seemed more mature than me. I could learn from THEM, I’m sure! I told them what I know or what I’ve learned along the way. I told them to grant access to women who wanted to help them, to women who reached out to them in love.
Regardless of age, the real women in this world will walk side-by-side with each other, propelling each other forward rather than holding each other back in our own insecurities.
I want to be a real woman like the ones who have come into my life over the years. I wish I had told the ones that are gone “thank you” when I had the chance. But I won’t forget. I’ll keep moving forward one step at a time, one day at a time, and seek to encourage the women around me along the way.
Embracing the typos until next Monday-ish.
Mel