In light of Kanye West’s new “gospel” album, I figured it was as good a time as any to talk a little spirituality. Relax. Don’t start anticipating the Bible thumping blows or instinctively flinching at the uppity truth bombs I’m not going to lob your direction. That’s not what I’m getting at here.
I have a tattoo on my side that says “selah,” a word found over seventy times in the Bible and once in the title of a song in Kanye West’s new album entitled Jesus is King. If I took the time to get the word inked on my body, then it obviously has significance to me, right? When I heard about Kanye’s song with the same title, I was intrigued.
What’s this mouthy celebrity spouting this time?
Selah is one of those biblical “mystery” words with several possible meanings. Due to most of its biblical occurrences being at the end of Psalms, many think it could simply be indicative of a musical interlude or a call to praise. Others believe the Hebrew selah means to pause and reflect on what has just been said. An Arabic translation of the word simply means “to think about it.”
I don’t know the “correct” translation, but to me, the word is a reminder to pause and learn. My life as a whole has lacked pause, and, therefore, much-needed reflection upon what was happening in it. I’ve really been trying to change that for the last few years, and the tattoo is a reminder every time I look in the mirror. Pause, reflect, and, most importantly, LEARN from what’s happened in my life.
Musically, I’ve never been a huge fan of Kanye West. But I listened to his album this week from start to finish. It was a little painful in places, but I got through it. I’m not here to question Kanye’s alleged “conversion” to Christianity. I’m not here to diss his songs or anyone’s beliefs. My initial reaction to the song “Selah” was this: Kanye merely used a biblical musical-ish term to title his song, but it has little to do with MY personal usage of the word. Oh, well.
As much as I don’t see my life relating to Kanye’s, I did relate to a few of the lyrics throughout the album.
“A lot of damaged souls, I done damaged those
And in my arrogance, took a camera pose”
(From the song “Use This Gospel”)
Ego has a way of deflecting blame or avoiding ownership of one’s actions. I freely admit to playing the victim at some points. I was angry at the Secret Service for “screwing me over” by forcing my hand when it came to delaying a forced transfer to Washington D.C. But I signed a mobility agreement, meaning I understood the likelihood of multiple relocations throughout my career. Just because the timing was bad for me doesn’t mean they didn’t have the right to issue the transfer. I thought they’d beg me to stay when I threatened to leave since I thought I was a good agent who’d given way more of my life to the job than I probably should have. Instead, they just let me leave. Ego check.
I was mad at my ex-husband for the way he used and treated me throughout our marriage. I was mad that he subtly tore me down a little more with each passing year while I failed to recognize the dysfunction and problems I also brought to the relationship. I secretly wanted him to suffer and me to come out ahead. Instead, it felt like the opposite happened, and I was the one sitting on a kitchen floor with bottles of pills stacked around me, ready to give up entirely. But it takes two to wreck a marriage, and I inflicted damage in my own way too.
Lack of pause and reflection in my life has sometimes been due to my pride and ego. Big DUH!
“I'm just tryna find, l've been lookin' for a new way
I'm just really tryin' not to really do the fool way”
(From the song “Follow God”)
I’d like to think I’m an authentic person, that I’m brave because I’ve admitted to some messed up problems in my life. But in my attempts to be a genuine person, I find myself judging others who exude what I deem to be fake. It’s terrible, I know, and my judgment is often directed toward those within the church. Part of that has to do with past encounters with the very flawed humanness of those inside a church’s walls. Church, in general, has not always provided positive memories, and that’s unfortunate. I’ve been judged most harshly in that environment and experienced more petty and childish drama than I am willing to tolerate.
So, like them, I judge. And that’s really stupid and egotistical. Time to Selah, Mel. You’re still a trainwreck, same as everyone else looking to avoid the fool way, including those who have been unkind in a religious environment. A negative encounter has a way of poisoning the good ones, and, in reality, I’ve had many good ones within a church, too. But, like I said, this isn’t a bad blog about religion. It’s about the pause and reflection, and that’s what I’m doing. Selah. (Doesn’t mean I have it figured out.)
“Made a left when I should've made a right”
(From the song “Hands On”)
As I’ve considered my past and tried to learn from it, I see my foolish decisions and the multiple roadblocks and bad turns that delayed my growth as a woman and human. Those are on me. I really truly don’t want to “do the fool way” anymore. If I’m meant to go right, that’s where I want to go.
I don’t know what all is going on with Kanye West these days. I don’t know if he’s a genuine person. I hope that Kanye’s feeling out his own “selah” journey just like me.
You do you, Kanye. I’m gonna worry about me, and this week I appreciated your subtle reminder to “selah” more often as life gets a little more chaotic again.
If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be selah-ing until next week’s bad blog. Maybe I’ll have a little more of a clue then.
