This afternoon, I sat with my laptop trying to figure out what to write about for Bad Blog Monday. Nothing really came to mind for quite a while, so to fill the lacking sound of keyboard clickety clacking typing, I turned on Spotify. The music blasted the living room and got me all into my “feels,” as they say. The playlist was called “Mel’s Feels” so I suppose the intent behind it was successful. It’s an eclectic mix, I must say. I laughed, reminisced, cried, smiled, and sang. My vocal instructor used to say, “Melanie! Emote!” when I sang. I emoted well today. Let’s just say that.
Music is powerful. It takes me on emotional journeys and gets me through tough moments sometimes. I’ve thought about that a lot this past week. Juice WRLD, an up-and-coming emo rap star, died suddenly in Chicago, yet another musical talent gone too soon. That news sparked the topic of influential music for me, I suppose. When his song “Hide” (feat. Seezyn) was played for me, I smiled a really huge smile. Despite whatever demons he may have been battling in his personal life, that song is pretty special.
It’s easy to get attached to songs and appreciate the relatability of the artists who wrote and performed them for the world. Music lives on, and I appreciate that so very much. Once upon a time, I had my heart set on going to college in Nashville, studying music, and becoming a songwriter. While I did study music for a year, it wasn’t in Nashville, and I didn’t stick with that field of study. But as we all know, one doesn’t need to study music to appreciate it.
I’ve been down the past couple days. I didn’t want to write negatively this week. I always want to be real, but some weeks it’s hard to fake motivational positivity. I’m not going to fake anything. Instead, I’m going to take you on a little journey through some of the Mel’s Feels playlist as I sat staring at a blank Word Document and “feeling” a lot of “feels” today. Maybe some of these songs are as relatable to you as they are to me.
This is Me – The Greatest Showman Soundtrack (performed by Keala Settle)
I love this movie so much! I love the message behind it, and I love the music throughout the film. I wrote many of the toughest portions of Agent Innocent with this movie playing in the background. As Keala Settle belts so beautifully, “When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I’m gonna send a flood. Gonna drown them out. I’m not scared to be seen. I make no apologies. This is me.” Today, I belted it out in the living room holding my hairbrush like a microphone. Those lyrics are also on my letter board in the kitchen and have been since I moved into my house.
Stranger Things – Kygo, OneRepublic
Listening to this song made me realize I have not allowed myself to grieve the recent loss of my friend Stephanie. I cried a lot listening to this song. Another friend, Cynthia, used this song to make a video and painting in honor of our lost friend. I miss Steph, and I wish I told her how much I appreciated her being there when I wasn’t at my best. We came from similar yet very different backgrounds and found ourselves in the Los Angeles Field Office as Secret Service agents. As the song goes…
We left a life
That's ordinary from the start
We looked for stranger things
'Cause that's just who we are
Found me the edge of something beautiful and loud
Like I'm picturing now
The Right Kind of Wrong – Coyote Ugly Soundtrack (performed by LeAnn Rimes)
Okay. I admit it. This song and movie were on repeat regularly in college. The hairbrush microphone came out again today, and I “performed” my very best living room karaoke and laughed at how much friends and I loved watching this movie. In the movie, “Jersey” wants to be a songwriter, and her dreamy love interest with the dreamier accent helps her get out of her shell and all that touchy feely stuff. (Makes mental note to watch Coyote Ugly this week.)
Water Under the Bridge – Adele
No one writes a better heartbreak song than Adele. Am I right? Admittedly, I listened to a lot of Adele during heartbreak. “Have I ever asked for much? The only thing that I want is your looooooooove.” Yeah, that kind of break up stuff goes well with Ben and Jerry’s and a good sob.
Wake Me Up – Avicii and Aloe Blacc
I could listen to Aloe Blacc’s voice all day long. It’s just beautiful. But this song is toe-tappingly addictive in Avicii’s classic way. “All this time I was finding myself. And I didn't know I was lost.” Yep. I feel you, Aloe. Keep singing.
The Fold – Ivan and Alyosha
I first heard this song while watching Season 1 of my favorite television show “A Million Little Things.” I have a hard time watching the show some weeks. It deals with a lot of difficult topics like suicide and depression. The cast’s lives are complicated (to put it mildly). One episode ended with this song. Some things happen for a reason. I needed to hear the song that night.
Here are a few of the more potent lyrics. Maybe you might need to hear them too.
All the years that you have wasted
Now you want 'em all back
Long ago you stopped counting
Because you couldn't keep track
You were faced with a future
That was bright as the Sun
But the pressure, it was melting,
You decided to run, run away
[Chorus:]
Don't you fold
When the mountain is high,
When the river is wide
Don't you fold
When you're out of your mind,
When you're walking the line
Well, we always fight our battles
No matter where you came
So, be done with your excuses;
You're the only one to blame
Blinding Lights – The Weeknd
No big feel-y reason for this one. It’s a catchy melody, and it came up in the shuffle as I sat on the couch in my writers block trance.
Helium – Sia
I appreciate real musical talent, and Sia falls into that category. I like this song because of these lyrics:
I'm giving my all and I know peace will come
I never wanted to need someone
Yeah, I wanted to play tough, thought I could do all this on my own
But even Superwoman sometimes needed Superman's soul
I often say I don’t need help, but as tough as I think I am, I need help sometimes.
Shallow – A Star is Born Soundtrack (Performed by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga)
Speaking of legitimate musical talents, insert Lady Gaga’s versatility. I’m pretty sure I saw this movie in the theater more than once, and it’s only a matter of time before I just purchase it and watch it like I watched The Greatest Showman. You can probably guess the hairbrush microphone came out again. (I got so much writing done today. *eye roll*) There’s a line in the song about longing for change and “In the bad times I fear myself.” I’ve scared myself in my anger and depression, and that self-awareness has kept me from falling back into old patterns. I can’t and won’t go back there.
I’m sitting on my couch as I finish today’s blog, surrounded by the dogs, looking at the tiny Christmas tree I put up this weekend. This is the first year since 2015 that I have decorated for the holidays. It’s not much, but it’s something, right? The poor, sorry tree makes me chuckle. It’s small but mighty because it’s so weighted down by homemade ornaments from friends and family.
“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors is playing in the background right now. “Hold on. Hold on to me. I’m a little unsteady.” Those lyrics resonate because unsteady is an excellent way to describe me this week.
Maybe it’s the Midwest cold. I can’t be outside and I really like being outside. I’m stir crazy. Maybe it’s the holidays, and they’re fraught with some emotional memories. Maybe it’s because my goal of finishing that first draft of my second book by the end of the year isn’t going to happen. Why? Because other than pages of notes, no real writing has happened. My creativity is lacking because I find excuses not to do what I really want to do: write.
When I get down, I forget that I have control of all of this. More importantly, I have control over my reaction to all of the things I feel are bringing me down.
A couple weeks ago, I complained that someone else’s negative energy affected everyone in the room negatively. My efforts at being positive in this situation weren’t enough to counteract the negativity. That’s how powerful negativity can be. Or better yet, negativity is capable of overpowering if allowed to do so.
I’m a little unsteady, but I’m holding on, pressing on, and I’ll continue to be real about that. I’m done with my excuses because I’m the only one to blame (as “The Fold” bellowed at me earlier today).
Next on the Mel’s Feels shuffle is “A Million Dreams” from The Greatest Showman. Right on queue, I smiled because “a million dreams are keeping me awake” right now. “I think of what the world could be. A vision of the one I see. A million dreams is all it’s gonna take.” As unsteadily as I navigate my dreams for my future and what legacy I want my life to leave, there’s excitement. My heart swells with anticipation. Maybe that’s better described as hope, and that feels pretty darn good.
With that, my friends, I’ll leave you to your own dreams, and I’ll let this playlist play on as I look at notes for my second book. It’s time to get to dreaming up the next story.
Sweet dreams!
Embracing the typos till next week,