“Things happen in our life to get our attention, to make us wake up. What does it say that I had to lose so much before I could break down enough to rebuild? I think it says that the thing that got me here, that incredible toughness, was almost the thing that did me in. I got to a place where I could no longer just muscle through. I could either bend or break. I got here because I needed all of this to become who I am now.”
“Inside Out” by Demi Moore
When I think about my life, I find it easy to try to pinpoint that one moment where I went wrong, the one decision that “caused” the struggles that followed. Maybe I’m looking for someone or something to blame, a reason to play the victim. I don’t like playing the victim. It’s not a good look for me because, like many and unlike some, the person to blame for my struggles is myself and no one else.
I read Demi Moore’s memoir this weekend. I always liked her movies “G.I. Jane” and “A Few Good Men” because she played some kickass ladies in those movies. I was interested in hearing her story. All I’d ever known of her was from whatever gossip graced the tabloid covers over the years, and I think we all know that tabloids can be more exaggerated scandal and rumor than actual fact. I was curious to hear her story from her point of view.
Since I wrote my book, I have a newfound respect for those who write memoirs. They’re difficult to write because they’re not fiction. They’re a person’s life story from their point of view. But someone writing a memoir is still alive, still living a life and still figuring it out. A book has a beginning and an end. How does one wrap up a life still being lived in a nice little bow with a front and back cover? You can’t really.
It seems like a memoir is a way a person tries to answer the question, “How did I get here?” It’s a way to answer the “why’s?” One’s motives might vary. Some might write their stories for the money while others do it for the opportunity to tell their stories on their terms.
Looking back, I wrote mine for closure and healing. I think I got both from writing it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my “moments” when the old baggage and the old “stuff” resurfaces. I’d like to think this is normal. Even though the past is the past, it’s still part of me. “Stuff” resurfaced a couple times last week, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was actually reacting normally or if I still needed to deal with some things I’d been stuffing away.
I had a few moments where I tried to play the blame game, or the “If only” game as I like to call it. If only I didn’t leave the Secret Service, the COVID-19 crisis wouldn’t have hit me so hard financially. If only I didn’t marry the wrong person even though I knew it was wrong from the beginning. If only I’d left California earlier. If only I didn’t do this. If only I didn’t do that. It’s easy to go down a rabbit hole that leads nowhere productive. I find those rabbit holds can easily make me resentful and angry.
Those traits aren’t a good look on me either. Yuck.
I found Demi Moore’s insights at the end of her book very interesting, especially the part where she talked about how her incredible toughness being a blessing and a curse. I was also struck with how she said she, “… got here because I needed all of this to become who I am now.”
I would like to think I have a toughness about me. Hardships are inevitable in life. Overcoming them is optional, a choice we make in the moment, that “fight or flight” split-second decision that overtakes us in a pivotal moment showing us what we’re really made of. I’ve learned that I will fight, and that’s a good AND a bad thing in certain situations.
I was drawn to Moore’s memoir because of characters she played in movies. I was thinking about her characters in “G.I. Jane” and “A Few Good Men” this weekend. Moore interestingly mentioned that these were two roles in which she played a strong female character without the stereotypical sexualization. She shot “A Few Good Men” just a couple months after having one of her daughters, and she got into incredibly strong shape to play her role as a female Navy Seal candidate in “G.I. Jane.”
But what about her characters am I really drawn to? What is it about most characters that we’re drawn to? I think it has a lot to do with relatability and resiliency. Of course, I’ve never been a Lieutenant Commander in the U.S. Navy like her character in “A Few Good Men.” And we all know I was never a Navy Seal like her character in “G.I. Jane.” What’s there to relate to then?
In “A Few Good Men,” Moore’s character is assertive, intelligent, and loyal. She also wants to be liked. “I want you to think I’m a good lawyer,” her character says at one point. That authentic insecurity is relatable. And despite all of those perceived shortcomings as a female in an all-male legal team, she doesn’t back down. In actuality, she drives others on her team to be better. I admire that and want to give off that vibe as well. I like that about her character.
In “G.I. Jane” Moore’s character attempts to become the first female Navy Seal. No one really believes she can do it. I love a good underdog story. She’s wild and ambitious. She doesn’t give up.
In “G.I. Jane,” D.H. Lawrence’s “Self-Pity” poem is quoted by the Master Chief (played by Viggo Mortensen) as the class stands in formation.
“I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.”
“Self Pity” by D.H. Lawrence
At another point, the Master Chief says, “Pain is your friend, your ally … it lets you know you’re not dead yet!”
Moore’s character had plenty of opportunities to resort to a very natural “human” response to hardships: self-pity. But she didn’t. Her character was like a “wild thing” and pressed on. She pushed through the pain because she still could. She conquered difficult feats and proved people wrong…because she was still around to try.
While the Master Chief was referring to physical pain as being a reminder that one was still alive, life’s hardships and struggles are a reminder that I’m not finished. That’s where that “incredible toughness” Demi Moore refers to kicks in, where the human behaves like the “wild thing” and realizes there’s no use in feeling sorry for itself.
As the hits just keep on coming during this COVID-19 crisis, I struggle with the “wild thing” mindset. I know we are all feeling the impact in one way or another. I have never been in this situation before: unemployed for reasons I did not choose, etc. I hate it. But like Moore said in her memoir, “Things happen in our life to get our attention, to make us wake up.”
If I need to wake up, then, for goodness sake, I’m awake now. What do I need to learn?
But I’m pretty sure of this so far:
Like Demi Moore’s characters in “A Few Good Men” and “G.I. Jane,” I’ll come out of this crisis with a new mindset. I’ll have a lot of appreciation for the little things in life I failed to appreciate before. And like those characters in Moore’s movies, I’m not finished yet, and I refuse to let anyone or anything stop me from moving forward.
I want to be more like a wild thing!
*Insert badass movie trailer of Moore doing a one-armed push-up*